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Modern society is becoming less religious, and while I’m not religious, I fear that we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

For generations, religion has provided moral guidance to believers, shaping the wisest, bravest, and kindest people to have lived.

This isn’t surprising - there is excellent wisdom packaged within religious teachings.

Having said that, I can understand why religion is falling out of favour in the scientific era.

This is what we’re going to discuss today:

• Why we still need rules for life
• Where to find them in a secular (non-religious) world

Why we need rules for life

Just because religion doesn’t provide the best answers to how to live a good life, that doesn’t mean we should stop asking the question.

How do we do meaningful work? How should we handle our emotions? How do we raise good kids? How can we affect positive change in society?

Great thinkers have been pondering these questions for thousands of years.

We all have problems like these, and too often, we believe that we’re the first generation to have faced these issues. That’s not true.

While education has improved immeasurably, we can’t assume that we’re the wisest generation to have lived, since wisdom comes from experience and overcoming adversity.

That means that there’s likely to be useful wisdom from centuries passed that we could benefit from.

An example

Let’s say you’re expecting your first baby.

You know it’s going to be a huge challenge physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Sure, you could wing it. Parents have been raising kids for millennia without parenting books, and we’ve still flourished as a species.

But the question is: why would you choose to wing it when there’s a better option?

As a new parent your relationships will be tested, your current knowledge will be insufficient, you’ll need to make sacrifices, and you’ll be perpetually sleep-deprived.

Now why on earth would you choose to try and navigate that without trying to prepare for it?

Simply reading a few books will leave you more prepared for what’s to come.

Who knows, that chapter you read about infant first aid could save your child’s life.

Choosing to be unprepared as a new parent is, at best, naïve. At worst, it’s downright arrogant, selfish and dangerous.

I think the same applies to life in general, even if the consequences of poor preparation aren’t as immediately dangerous.

People have faced the same challenges that you’ll be facing at work, in your relationships, and with your health.

Some have overcome them, and they’ve shared their insights.

They’ve passed down principles to us that we could adopt and try out for ourselves.

Will they all slot perfectly into our messy lives? Of course not, but it’s far better to start with the tried-and-true than to totally wing it.

Where to find rules for life

A couple of things complicate the search for moral guidance.

Firstly, I don’t think that one school of thought, religion, or philosophy has all the answers. This means it’s not a straightforward task. “Become a Stoic philosopher and you’re set!” - it’s not that simple.

Also, we are all constantly evolving as people, with ever-changing goals and priorities. What you need help with as a college graduate is totally different to the advice you need as a new parent or an empty nester.

The guidance you need changes over time.

However, I believe that there are some universal principles which are helpful regardless of your situation.

Self-awareness

Having the ability to notice strong emotions or drives in yourself is essential.

Realisations like “I’m feeling very impatient”, or “I feel snappy and irritable” are critical if you want to make any positive changes.

Left unnoticed, these feelings can create all manner of problems.

There are a few ways to build this. Writing helps to clarify your thinking, and you can find many useful journalling prompts online to get you started.

Some kind of mindfulness practice is also useful.

You might be repulsed by that word, but try not to be put off.

By mindfulness, I mean being aware of what you’re thinking and feeling in each moment. It’s really more akin to brain training than any woo-woo spiritual exercise.

Acceptance and compassion

Life involves both positive and negative emotions, which are all a healthy part of the human experience. You’re going to make mistakes, as is everybody else in the world.

Things will break, people will die, and you’ll always be taxed on your earnings.

Learning to accept that which is outside of your control brings great peace, but it’s a lifetime’s work.

Having compassion for yourself and others also reduces suffering and leads to insight and wisdom.

This is an area I still really struggle with as a British man. Kristen Neff’s suggestion of giving myself a hug to release oxytocin, or write myself a letter, do not come naturally to me, but nevertheless, I’m convinced that there’s a real power to cultivating compassion.

My favourite sources of wisdom

Here are the practices and schools of though that have brought me the most comfort and clarity over the years.

Stoicism

Focus on what’s inside your control, and gladly accept that which is outside of your control.

This is the core idea of Stoicism. So what is within our control?

Our perception (seeing things clearly and rationally, not distorting things), our action (what we do, our behaviours), and our will (acceptance of external things, like the actions of others).

We can examine our thoughts to see whether we’re catastrophising, magnifying, minimising, mind reading, and so on.

We can decide to get up on time, exercise regularly and be on time for things.

We can make peace with what we’ve been given while still working to improve things for ourselves and others.

The Stoics weren’t just philosophers, they were doers. The big three Stoic philosophers all had wildly different jobs: Marcus Aurelius was the Emperor of Rome, Epictetus was a former slave, and Seneca was a playwright.

The author Ryan Holiday is bringing the ancient school of Stoic philosophy back to life through his articles, videos, and his books.

‘The Daily Stoic’ is a great one-page-a-day introduction to Stoicism, as are the videos Ryan posts on The Daily Stoic on all the big social platforms.

Psychotherapy

I came a cross a simple sentence recently which encapsulated my interest in psychology and philosophy, and why I care so much about it:

“You are your mind.”

You experience everything in your life via your mind. Nothing reaches you without passing through your mind.

Given this fact, I think it makes sense to work on it, train and maintain it.

Why is this so powerful when it comes to our wellbeing?

It’s possible to feel very differently about something in the real world without the circumstance itself actually changing, just by thinking differently about it.

If you doubt the power of our thoughts, consider this: can a thought or a memory make you cry?

I believe so, and I’ve experienced this. A memory or a thought has the power to create an automatic, uncontrollable response in your physical body.

Training our physical body only became widely accepted in recent history.

Learning how to process emotions, handle stress, and build positive thinking patterns is something that most people stand to benefit from.

My favourite flavours of psychotherapy include Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but there are many more to explore.

What I like about these therapies is the practical approach. It’s not about rediscovering your inner child or diving into your upbringing, although there is value in that if you have the time and resources.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapies are focussed on what’s happening now, how can you respond as skilfully as possible to allow you to act like the person you want to be: a great parent, a great athlete, a great student or worker.

Summary

We shouldn’t be so arrogant as to think that we don’t need guidance on how to live a good life.

Religion used to hold these answers, but the search gets tricker in a secular world.

This shouldn’t deter us, though. There are many tried-and-tested philosophies and practices that bring peace and wellbeing, if only you go out and look for them.

Stoicism is an interesting ancient philosophy to explore, and modern psychotherapy builds on these insights to give us tools for everyday life.

This is a great place to start, and who knows where it’ll take you.